fucking stupid assholes

Last year on December 6th, my Grandmama died. I didn't get to say goodbye because my mom's brothers and sister are complete assholes. The wouldn't let me say goodbye. They treated me like a child who wouldn't be able to handle seeing my Grandmama. I realize that she had said she didn't want us to see her, and that's fine. My mom snuck us in one by one because she knew we could handle it and that we wanted to see her. We are all adults now, and we've been through worse. My mom almost died of a heart attack in 2002. I sat there in the emergency room next to her reminding her to breath cause otherwise she would have stopped. That's a little more damaging than seeing your Grandmama in the hospital! One of the reasons I could deal with my mom being sick, which happened right after my dad had had surgery for cancer, was because I had my sisters to turn to, and my dad. And of course cause she lived. But my uncles didn't want us to see them upset. The "adults" had a meeting with the doctors to discuss what was happening, basically when she was going to die, and they wouldn't let us in. Fine, whatever, but then when they came downstairs one of my uncles said "oh, we just talked about yucky doctor stuff, you wouldn't have liked it" I wanted to fucking deck him! I feel like I've never gotten a chance to grieve for her, and they fucking threw her ashes into the river! Do they even know what goes in that river? it's behind a her house, which they sold, beside my aunts house, who is just as bad as the rest of them. Who are these people? they aren't family! I just want to yell at them all and tell them all to fuck off!!! I loved her too, she was important to me too! another uncle, who had lived with her pretty much his whole life, dissapeared after she died. and just recently I heard that he was around, apparently he's really hard to deal with. well... Too FUCKING BAD! He's your brother, he's my uncle, at least he's always been nice to me!

She was a really good person, and I miss her, and I don't feel as though I can talk about it with the rest of the "family" if I can call all of them that.

I feel like I'm not good enough now, I don't like who I am right now. and I can't talk to them about that either. This fucking sucks. I really hate some of those people. I really hate four of them. The rest of them are okay, but those four are inconsiderate assholes who don't even know me. I guess I can't really hate my aunt, I kind of talk to her, and I talked to her before this all happened. I also don't like the way they treated my mom while my Grandmama was dying. They got so mad at her for letting us come down to the hospital. Like she could have stopped us if she tried! She was the oldest child, you'd think they'd respect her, but they are inconsiderate assholes!

I don't think I want to talk to any of them ever again unless I yell at them a bit first. I wrote my Uncle an email cause one christmas about 7 years ago or so, he gave each of us kids a card saying that we could come visit him for a weekend in toronto and he'd pay for it blah blah blah. Everyone has gone but me, and I kind of want to go to University there so I want to go check it out, but I really don't want to stay with him because if I do I'm just gonna freak out. and if I don't then that's not very healthy, keeping all this anger inside, is it?

I think maybe she'd be proud of me. I have goals, I never had a baby, I don't do hard drugs.

I don't know what else to write about this.

busy busy busy

I am so busy now, I have missed out on spending time with a lot of people, but I've got to meet new people and make new friends. I hate one of my jobs however, the newer one. it freakin sucks. I made up a song about it.

I moved. I now live on my own in an apartment downtown. In the ghetto!

there are so many things I could write about....

but I think I'm just gonna not... hmmm...

if anyone still reads this... I probably miss you and I'm sorry I'm so busy.

I've had about enough

I am pretty fed up with a few things at the moment. Here goes the rant:

I don't expect too much from people, I don't think that I need to have someone else entertain me. I have a lot of friends, but the degree of friendship is the problem at the moment. It seems to me, that a lot of the time, I put way more effort into friendships than the other person does. This happens a lot. I don't expect phone calls, and I am perfectly happy to call everyone, but at the moment... I am really fed up. I have no really close friends, sure, I have good friends and people I have known for years who know me really really well, but I don't really have a "best friend". I have one friend I spend a lot of time with, but I get so put off a lot of the time, because of a lot of reasons I won't go into at the moment. I have some other friends who I really adore and would like to spend time with, but they either don't call back ever, or are always busy. differing lifestyles accounts for a lot of these problems, but for those "friends" who have the same interests as me and whatever, I just don't get it.

I'm staying at my parents place at the moment, I'm here till tomorrow, and that's probably part of my problem right now. For some reason, I always get down when I'm here. Good thing I'm leaving.

And then there's the guy thing. I'm fed up with that too. In fact, I think my interest in the particular person has dwindled to the point of, well, I dunno. The lack of effort on the other persons side should have led me to believe that this was a pointless endeavor, but I'm a glutton for punishment I suppose.

Sometimes I feel as though I should demand a certain amount of something (I really don't know what to specify here) from people around me. But I think of other peoples comfort more than my own.

I need to get out of Winnipeg, I need to go to Kenora...

It's also exam time, and that's just plain stressfull.

I wish that the people I really wanted to be good friends with wanted to be good friends with me, I wish that my one closer friend was a little less... um... whatever it is... I wish that I wasn't staying at my parents house right now. I wish I knew where I was living after my house gets sold.

one of the people I have tried to stay in contact with might even read this, and if you know who you are (you've admitted ((albeit to someone else)) to being a "bad friend" because you haven't hung out with me in a long time) I don't really have anything left to try and keep that friendship going. I think I'm giving up now. If you want to hang out, you can make the effort now. And I don't expect that you will. That makes me a little sad, but such is life.

I'm planning to go to Florida in September, a trip that will decide my future...

Hopefully after that, I won't be hoping anymore, and then I can MOVE ON!!!

it's not that I don't have anything to talk about

I do have a lot of ideas about stuff I could write about on my blog, but I've become more guarded in the last while, not sharing as much. It's actually annoying how many times people take what I say out of context or put words in my mouth. So, I decided that I will just share less with these people, and it's working. I just have one last group to phase out of my confidences, it sucks though cause it's my best friend. She probably doesn't mean to do it, but I have lost a place to live because she repeated something I said in passing. She took it to be definite and it wasn't.

Anyways, it's the last week of classes and I have to decide what I want to do with myself this summer. Last year around this time I drank too much beer with a friend of mine, but I recently stopped drinking beer (as well as carbonated anything) because I need to lose weight.

I need to lose weight because I am going to go to Florida in August. I need to get a full time job to be able to afford to go to Florida in August. I am going to Florida in August to visit an old friend who I haven't seen in 5 years this June.

If anyone has heard of any good paying positions that I can apply for, please don't hesitate to let me know!

So, I guess that's it for this one.

Deep - if you are around, call me dammit!

It's bloody cold outside

Winter is like getting a tattoo, or a brazilian wax, or childbirth. It's so annoying, and it hurts, and you feel like you'd rather just fall over and curl up into a ball and wait for it to be over. But then once it's done, you don't remember how much it sucked, so you put yourself through it again!

Anyways, I got a new job today :D I went to the interview and she told me I start saturday. She's already made up my nametag and everything!

I hung out with some friends from high school last night. It was loads of fun. There were some troubles with that group during the summer, and it's good to know that they have passed. And I started talking to my old friend Lindsay again. The one I set up with my best friend and then they stopped talking to me for a long time. It's a complicated story and I don't feel like dwelling on it, so if you don't know it... just know that we were good friends, and this is a big step.

It's hard to make new friends. Sometimes at least. I broke my cardinal rule, and eventually it made me a little dissapointed. Last time I break that rule I tell you what!

My butt is getting numb from sitting here so, I think I'm going to head off. maybe I'll write a good long something someday. hmmm....

???

I have no real new revelations or ideas or anything. I just felt like writing, even though I don't really have anything to share. I've been living, and enjoying life in every way I can. And it's good. I'm learning a new language. Urdu. With this language, I should be able to understand Punjabi, Hindi, Arabic, and Persian. I need to get the cassettes out of the library to help me learn. too bad I don't have a walkman! and they don't have them on cd. At least I have a tape player in my boom box.

Breaking the laws of Social Conduct

Saturday, January 21st, 2006: I went out with a girlfriend to hang with some guys in Fort Richmond. We went to their house (which happens to be next door to where my friends used to live, and I had partied with these people before), hung out there for a bit, went to coyotes, and then went back to the house. my girlfriend left to go home (in a bit of a funk) and I stayed (hence the funk), I asked if it was alright for me to hang out, and the guys said it was cool. They said I could sleep there, one guy even offered to drive me home the next day. In the morning, one of the guys drove me home so I could change into sweats, and then drove me to go get coffee. Then we went back to his house and watched the Rundown (great movie).

When I talked to the girl later, she was very mad... she said I stole her friends, broke some rules of basic social conduct, and made the guys feel uncomfortable, what are they going to think of her now? what do they think of me? I think she assumes that I slept with one of them... or all of them... who knows. The really funny thing about this tongue lashing is that I was sitting in the guys house right after the second movie we watched finished! (R - the life of brian is funnier the second time around)

So, I have decided that I should not feel bad for being the friendly outgoing person that I am. And if this girl had no idea that I would act that way, then she doesn't know me at all. I have no problem if someone calls me on something I do and it is something I shouldn't have done or shouldn't do (like R did once upon a time)

I would have no friends if I wasn't the way I am, I would not know R or Petrow if I wasn't the way I am.

And what the hell are the rules of basic social conduct anyways?

And don't introduce people if you're going to be insecure and think that they are stealing "YOUR FRIENDS" because you do not own them. They are people and have the right to be friends with anyone they like...

Am I wrong?